


d is for dodge

by exbex



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, M/M, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-09 02:52:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16441592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exbex/pseuds/exbex
Summary: Alexei and Eric drunkenly make a (mild) sex tape, which is then hacked and (briefly) released. The aftermath is shockingly anticlimactic.





	d is for dodge

**Author's Note:**

> In which a very serious subject is treated in a very not-so-serious and unrealistic manner, solely because I had a ridiculous idea, thought it would be fun to write, and enjoyed the results. I'd like to think it's satirical, but it's probably just crack.

Serendipity is not the word Eric would use to describe this situation.

“Why not?”

It’s only Alexei’s patient, nonjudgmental, sincere tone, along with the fact that Eric is in love with him, that prevents Eric from snapping.

“We got drunk and decided, for some unfathomable reason, to make a sex tape, and then for an even more unfathomable reason, didn’t delete it, and then we got hacked and it was leaked. I know the camera was angled all wrong and cut us off and it didn’t record any sound so it just looked like I was laying on your back and we were kissing, but I also know that it doesn’t take a lick of imagination to figure out what we were actually doing. And I know that, inexplicably, our popularity went up and we’re not getting many more bigoted comments than usual, but that is what I would call “dodging a bullet,” not “being artistic,” or “showing the world that we’re just like everyone else,” or whatever else people are saying to either justify their use of it as fap material or convince themselves that it’s no big deal not because they’re actually evolved but because we hit pucks with sticks for a living.”

Alexei examines him. “Is good point. But maybe good to get second opinion? Maybe we see what our friends think.”

“As long as it doesn’t require that we ever have to leave this house again. And yes, I am aware that training camps begin in three weeks.”

Helpful is not the word that Eric would use to describe their friends.

“Oh yeah, I definitely masturbated to it like, five times. But in my defense, I’ve imagined you two getting it on during a few solo sessions.”

Eric gapes, then glares, at Kent through the screen. He turns his attention to Jack, in the hopes that there’s another reasonable person among them, only to be disappointed at the sight of a blush spreading up his neck. “Jack Laurent Zimmermann! Not you!”

Jack shrugs, his eyes sheepish. “I thought it was sweet.”

“Is not what your red face say Zimmboni,” Alexei smirks.

Jack holds up his hands. “Kenny masturbates right in front of me; I can’t help it.”

“Ugh, has everyone lost their minds?!” Eric disconnects the Skype call and grabs his phone. There’s one couple he can still trust to be honest and level-headed.

_It’s chill. Honestly, romantic as fuck. PG-13 at the most. Probably._

_Derek’s right Bitty. It’s not any more risqué than when you guys did the Body Issue. Or not much at least._

Eric groans and throws his phone down on the sofa. Alexei picks it up and reads the messages. “They are right My Love. George even say same thing. She point out that…” Alexei scrunches his eyebrows together in thought, “more scandalous things happen in NHL before. Also she say that there is whole world of people who not care about game where guys skate around and hit at disk with stick.”

Eric sighs and settles on the sofa next to Alexei. “Yeah, that’s what my people said too. Said we should just go about our business as if nothing happened.”

“No such thing as bad publicity.”

“Yeah I guess.” Eric pales. “Oh my gawd. My parents.” As if on cue, Eric’s phone lights up with his mother’s name as it begins to ring. Eric shrieks and sends the phone sliding across the room.

Alexei raises an eyebrow. 

“Oh don’t look at me like that. Your family will accept anything as long as it doesn’t have to do with your ex.”

Alexei shrugs. “True. They not like her at all. Think that you can do no wrong.” His eyes light up and he stands. “Maybe I call Miss Suzie back. She love me.” He begins to stride towards the phone, but is intercepted by Eric, who latches himself onto Alexei’s back. “Зайчонок, this how we end up in situation in first place,” he protests, but Eric is undeterred, and comes out the victor after a brief tussle.

“Wait a minute,” he pants. “I just remembered something.”

Alexei eases himself back onto the sofa and scowls. “Is it that you play dirty?” he asks as he rubs one shoulder.

“No,” Eric replies as he returns the call. “My parents don’t Google search me or have alerts set on either of our names.”

“Strange people, your family. Expect you to tell them things instead of finding out from internet,” Alexei deadpans.

“You’ve heard small town gossip, Lyosha,” Eric reminds him.

Twenty minutes and brief conversations with both his parents later, and Eric’s suspicions are confirmed. He closes his eyes as he sinks back down onto the sofa. “We have really dodged a bullet this time.”

“Mmm, is other thing George said.”


End file.
